The simple life is far less confusing

I believe I have finally become that person who was made fun of for not understanding how to operate a vehicle with automatic transmission, remember what their ZIP code was, or even how to operate a microwave oven.

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It is so sad to not understand most of the commercials on TV.

The one about Mac and PC. I don't even know what the initials stand for, and when they start going into details I am totally lost.

How about the one where this guy is carrying a red laptop and, everybody he passes, applauds for him? I've got a laptop. Nobody ever acknowledges mine. Maybe I should spray-paint it red. Does it give out any special vibes or magic tricks because of the color? Or is it all the new "stuff" it can do? As far as I'm concerned, unless it can walk my dog twice a day and unload the dishwasher, it's of no value to me.

And what's the deal about everybody asking if you have an e-mail address? I might have one, but that doesn't mean I know what to do with it. Sure, I know how to read my mail. I also know how to send mail as long as it's just replying to somebody by typing the message and clicking on the "reply" button.

Cell phones are as bad as computers, with everybody "texting" everybody else. My grandson tried to teach me how to text once. It took me 25 minutes to say "happy birthday" to a friend in Maryland. Not only is that very impersonal, but it's so much easier to pick up a regular phone and call.

Every once in a while my computer likes to send me these little messages. For instance, "Your memory is getting low. The computer will now add more memory." Okey-dokey, sounds good to me. I'll wait a while and try to remember what I did last week with that recipe I lost. Doesn't work. What good is a little message if it doesn't work?

And I love the way everybody thinks they're a computer genius. If I slip up in a crowd and mention something about not getting my laptop to do whatever, somebody always wants to show me how easy it is.

"All you have to do is go into the mainframe, click on so-and-so, then bring up the choices and highlight the one you want." Easy for you to say. To be perfectly honest, I don't even know if a computer has a mainframe. I might be confusing it with a car. Easy mistake.

Give me the simple life. No more computer banking, no more computer shopping and, most important, stop with the junk e-mail! I get enough of that in my real mailbox.

Pat Fickle is a Martinez resident.