Santa to drop many presents on the county
This is probably the biggest news I'll ever break in Columbia County. That's right. I have the scoop of the year. Just hand over the Pulitzer now. This is dynamite info.
In a series of fortunate events, I have discovered a partial portion of the route map Santa Claus will use in his annual voyage across the world tonight. Amazingly enough, the portion of this map I happened to obtain includes the Columbia County area.
Where else can you find quality investigative reporting like this?
Despite the probability of finding coal in my stocking tomorrow morning, I will reveal part of Santa's route.
Stop No. 1
The route into the area begins somewhere in the eastern part of the county. After making a few stops in Augusta (it seems each elected official will get a Hot Wheels drag-racetrack), Santa and his reindeer appear headed down River Watch Parkway toward Baston Road. His stop at Augusta Christian Schools will leave several Christmas presents. The most notable are a pair of soccer teams, the best field house in the county and a magical underground subway tunnel that serves as a back entrance to the school without actually disturbing the neighbors.
Stop No. 2
The map shows St. Nick's path taking him down Baston Road and onto Furys Ferry where he'll be delayed two hours because of road construction. Eventually, he'll take a short cut down The Pass and find his next destination: Lakeside High School. Santa has plans to leave many gifts underneath the Panther Christmas tree including another wrestling region title, a girls lacrosse team and more state championships in golf and tennis (as if they needed any help).
Stop No. 3
From Blue Ridge Drive, Santa's sleigh will weave across Martinez and eventually end up on Flowing Wells Drive where Augusta Prep's brand new, Boardman Athletic Christmas Tree will be waiting in the gym's lobby. Santa will leave the blueprints for a football team, a girls soccer win over Westminster and a thank-you note stating Santa's gratitude for now finally having a place to park his sleigh.
Stop No. 4
Down Columbia Road the reindeer will fly with turns onto Belair Road and Cox Road. Santa will stop at Evans High School with a bag full of presents. By the time he leaves, the Evans Christmas Tree will hold a boys basketball road win at Greenbrier on Jan. 12 (I'm calling it now) and a bottle of amnesia potion to forget about that September football game and November basketball game.
Stop No. 5
From there the map says Santa will fly down Cox Road or maybe Gibbs Road to make a left turn onto Washington Road (good luck) and head toward Greenbrier High School. The Wolfpack Christmas gifts include a second entrance to the school (genius idea), a commons area instead of five hallways connected by a hallway, and, oh yeah, more wins against Columbia County rivals that makes the other schools so spitting mad.
Stop No. 6
Santa doesn't forget Harlem. In fact, he saved the best for last. After a bathroom break somewhere in Pumpkin Center, Santa Claus will wrap up his Columbia County tour with a stop in Bulldog country. Harlem High School's Christmas gifts include a brand new softball coach who, though unnamed for now, will be the best hire the Harlem athletic department has made in years. The Bulldog nation will also receive a couple hundred more students to get out of that horrible Region 3-AAA and into a region with Evans, Lakeside and Greenbrier.
That's all I can share from my top-secret map. Santa's last path on the portion of the map that I have trails off somewhere over McDuffie County. The map's final note reminds Santa to look over his shoulder and put a Columbia County twist on his signature phrase.
As he leaves the county, he'll turn back toward the Cox Road area and say, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good Knight."