Options don't offer much choice

Though John Kerry has now sewn up the Democratic nomination for president, Al Sharpton and Dennis Kucinich remain in the race; John Edwards, Carol Mosely-Braun, Wesley Clark, Howard Dean, Richard Gephardt and Joe Lieberman have all pulled out of the race.

Those left running are diligently pounding the pavement and pressing the flesh, bending every ear that will lend itself to their clichd come-ons and clever one-liners. Of those remaining, one opposes gay marriages, but supports civil credit unions. One opposes gay marriages, but supports benefits for domestic franchises. One supports gay marriages only if they occur, and I am quoting here, "between people of the same sex."

Most of the candidates oppose education vouchers, unless they are funded by the Amish Home Schooling Association, which, by the way, seems to be causing quite a stir with its demands for "Shoo-Fly Pie" subsidies.

Some favor prison reform, while others oppose it, but all are pushing for government aid to produce "Trading Spaces: Criminal Intent." On this innovative new spin-off of the perpetually popular series, "Trading Spaces: SVU," inmates are encouraged to bloom where they are planted, especially in those pesky life-without-parole situations. Word has it a brilliantly inspired, DNA-patterned wallpaper will soon be all the rage among decorators in the know.

All the Democratic runnees want to roll back President Bush's tax cuts and give the money to Martha Stewart to help get the diva back on her feet, and several are hoping to raise the cost of gasoline to around $4 a gallon to sufficiently fund Social Security, at least until 2007.

But while all these politicians are fighting over who gets to be the top donkey, the rest of us Average Americans, with our two and a half kids, are left anxiously wondering if the long awaited bill to designate "National Flip Your Mattress Month" will ever see its way out of subcommittee hearings. Haven't we been patient long enough?

And personally, I'm, as usual, nauseated with the choice of options. I'd almost swear on a case of bootleg whiskey that Sen. Kerry is really a Kennedy, maybe one of Rose's love children, conceived in a Hyannis Port woodshed with Gomer Pyle. Those six-inch teeth, protruding chin, and cocky manner are dead giveaways. Shazam!

Frankly, I can't even understand why anyone in his right mind would want to run for president when he could strive for so many loftier goals, especially those which pay enormous sums of money for very little effort. For example, these guys really ought to consider applying as Richmond County's next superintendent of schools once ol' Charlie finishes flubbing up. Now there's a job with both low expectations and great benefits!

(Mindy Jeffers is a Martinez resident.)