Technical difficulties too much for golden years

I am trying so terribly hard to be a modern woman, if for no other reason than to keep up with my grandchildren. Its embarrassing for them to visit and fix my computer.

I didnt know what wallpaper was until my grandson asked me why the screen looked so boring. Who knew a computer was supposed to look exciting? Now theres a winter scene on it. Its great but dont ask me how he did it.

Then my granddaughter told me she had picked out a screen saver for me. Why do you have to save your screen? I just turn the thing off when Im not using it. Now theres little fishies and sharks and sting rays swimming back and forth. Very colorful. Again, dont know how she did it.

I suppose computers are the only way to go now, but what happened to a good old-fashioned typewriter? There are two of the antiques in my office. Theyre both broke. Nobody knows how to fix them.

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When first starting on my column again, I figured Id print one out and take to the paper. The editor who, by the way, is very patient and kind, requested I e-mail it to him from now on. OK, I can do that. I e-mail all the time. Jokes, gossip, etc. The only trouble is I write my column on the word processor and had no idea how to put it in whatever little cyber spot needed. He finally e-mailed me step-by-step instructions. Now it seems to work, but I always send him an extra mail asking it if he got it. Realizing Im the only one doing this, I have stopped.

Its not just computers. What about DVD players ? I just got the hang of programming the VCR, and now they want me to learn something different. Every DVD we have has at least a dozen ways to play. You can go to whatever individual scene you want. I dont care about that. All I want is for the thing to show me a movie. Whats the difference between wide screen and full screen? Who cares?

After trying forever I usually wind up sitting in the corner sucking my thumb.

People tell me, Pat, you should go back to school! Excuse me! Sixty years old here. Im in my golden years, or whatever. Studying every night for exams is not what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to travel. Before you travel, you have to learn how to bring up Web sites on air fares, hotels and various other necessities.

Theres one thing I do agree on about computers. Web sites. Perfect name. Theyre enough to make your brain cells stick together and, if you want any old information to come through, youd better kill those pesky spiders before turn into Robo Granny.

OK, thats enough for now. Let me see if I can send this glorious column through cyberspace.

(Pat Fickle is a Martinez resident.)