Almost time for joys of summer

Summer time is finally upon us. Well, almost. Hooray! Time for every one to don their bikinis and hit the beach.

Yeah, right. The last time I wore a bikini was 1965, and then it wasnt even considered a real bikini. If I tried to put a bikini on now, Id probably scare everybody off the sand - not to mention humiliating my entire family.

Besides, isnt there some kind of unwritten rule that women over 50 should be covered up at all times? Oh, Lord, Ive done it now. The paper will get all kinds of letters from senior citizens. Im one, too, by the way - way over the age limit considered senior.

Theres always the four-week, quick-weight-loss plan. What was the name of it again? The Lose 20 Pounds in 20 Days Along With Losing Your Mind and Driving Your Friends and Family Away diet? That one always works. The only thing they dont tell you is that you gain that 20 pounds back in 20 days, and its still the middle of July.

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How about another Hip-Hip-Hurray for summertime? Dont you just love the heat? Its what all humans should aspire to, sweating for a solid 90 days. In this area, its more like 190 days, but whos counting.

They say we ladies never sweat, by the way. We perspire lightly or glisten with the sun. Baloney! I sweat! Im talking big beads dripping from my neck, the kind that makes your hair stick to your scalp.

The beach is still one of my favorite places to be, even in hot weather. Theres nothing like covering your body from head to toe, spreading sunscreen on everything that still shows, carrying a chair, towel, book and a gallon of water half a mile and sitting in 100-degree heat for the entire afternoon. Truthfully, I do enjoy walking on the beach. Last time I was there, I made it for almost a half mile before collapsing.

Am I giving the impression that Im out of shape? Well, I am. Physically and mentally. My mind does not work well when Im sweating. The only thing its telling me is to get inside with the air conditioning and stop torturing everybody. Thats right, I said everybody. People who know me well never say a word when they see wet hair.

Another little summertime fun is fighting the bugs. Those little suckers just love me. We can be at a cookout and Im the only one slapping myself in the face because no-see-ums are all over me.

Ah, yes, the joy of summer. Kids will soon be out of school driving parents crazy, mosquitoes are on the prowl, grass grows twice as fast and your water bill doubles - that is, when youre allowed to use water. What else could anybody need?

(Pat Fickle is a Martinez resident.)