It is truly astonishing what happens to Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world.
- Saturday Evening Post,
They come from many sources and, if we are even mildly acquainted with the Bible, they amuse us. They come from children who see the whole world through their own eyes and still-maturing minds. They come from the Internet, magazines like The Saturday Evening Post, and out of the mouths of your children and mine. Some-times they come from adults who could use a little brushing up on their Sunday School lessons.
Its the middle of winter, the country is at war, and this seems like a good time to lighten up a little with a sampling from my voluminous stack of Biblical Bloopers. After all, as our first young scholar tells us, even God took some time off.
In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the day off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree, and the first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat an apple. But thats not the way Johnny heard the story. His Sunday School teacher told him God created Eve out of one of Adams ribs. Later, when he developed a pain in his side he told his mother, I think Im going to have a wife.
Noahs wife was named Joan of Ark.
Lot had a wife, too. She was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Then Moses went up on Mt. Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. Too bad he died before he ever reached Canada.
After Moses died Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible was when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him. (You can check this one out in Joshua 10:12)
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
When Mary heard she was going to be the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When Jesus was born three wise guys from the East gave him gold, French money, and perfume. And one girl asked her grandmother which virgin was the mother of Jesus, the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin.
The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels, and sometimes they were called opossums. One of them was St. Matthew, who was also a taximan.
Jesus said, Man does not live by sweat alone.
St. John the blacksmith went around dumping water on peoples heads.
The Epistles were the wives of the Apostles.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. Then he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
The Lords Prayer takes on new meaning when recited by these kindergartners: Our Father, who does art in Heaven, Hollywood is your name... Forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets..., and let us not have a temperature, but deliver us some e-mail. Amen.
And this prayer: Lord, if you cant make me a better boy, dont worry about it. Im having a real good time like I am.
(Barbara Seaborn is a local free-lance writer. E-mail comments to seabara@aol. com.)
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