Seeking scapegoats? Blame it on the beef

Whoops. Sorry. Guess we all jumped the gun on this one.

President Bush says the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks on the United States were the fault of the al-Qaida terror network led by Osama bin Laden. (I am not making this up: In North Carolina, there is a little roadside diner near Fort Bragg called Osamas Place. Despite the big American flag now hanging on the front of the building, business has been a little off lately.)

Some military experts say the Iraqis are to blame, and by extension, President Bushs father for not allowing American troops to push on to Baghdad and take out Saddam Hussein at the end of the Gulf War.

Peaceniks and America-hating American citizens say the attacks were a direct result of imperialism, colonialism, capitalism and the export of Britney Spears music.

Assorted Christian ministers tell us the attacks were the fault of homosexuals, feminists, abortionists, radical leftists, probably even left-handed people and Democrats.

Speaking of Christian ministers, the Rev. Jesse Jackson says ah, who the heck cares what Jesse Jackson says.

Just going out on a limb, perhaps, Ive been inclined to blame the attacks on a bunch of fanatics with warped views of Islam. These suicidal criminals even now are shockingly bewildered that instead of lounging in paradise and enjoying the tender attention of scores of beautiful virgins, they are at the beginning of a soul-searing eternity of torment in the deepest pits of fiery hell.

(Imagine the scene: A sweating Mohammed Atta, standing in the lava lobby of the Hades Hotel - where a sign hanging on the wall says Today is the First Day of the Rest of Your Death - trying nervously to explain that there must be some mistake with his extended-stay reservation, as demons howl with laughter behind the front desk. He still thinks hes going to heaven! one of the tormentors cackles, while an impish bellhop stabs Atta in the butt with a pitchfork.)

Lots of ideas for who is responsible. But it turns out that we were all wrong.

Goloka Candra dasa, a spokesman for planets9.com - a web site dedicated to the ancient science of Vedic astrology - says meat-eaters are to blame.

Golokas press release caught my attention, just as I, a dedicated meatitarian who daily participates in the consumption of tasty animals, sent a reply asking Mr. Plant-Eater to kindly remove my address from his list.

Goloka points out that ancient Sanskrit astrological texts accurately predicted the attacks. Never mind that he didnt tout the prediction until after the terror attacks. If you specialize in predicting what happened yesterday, your track record of accuracy is probably pretty good.

So, having nailed a prediction of the terrorist highjackings, whom does Goloka hold responsible?

Millions of animals are being killed daily for food in a country where there is no shortage of grains and other healthy foodstuffs, Goloka says. Somebody has got to pay for this American-sponsored mass terrorism against animals.

Ah, thats it. How could we have been so blind to the mass terrorism against animals? After all, what are the deaths of a mere 7,000 or so humans when millions of McDonalds customers every day dine on the remains of hundreds of thousands of butchered cows - which, Goloka helpfully tells us, are surrogate mothers of mankind.

This explains what many people find difficult to comprehend - how the worlds only superpower can be devastated by a bunch of terrorists, Goloka says. Its the law of karma at work.

Well, hey, Mr. Plant Eater, thanks for clearing that up. I guess our soldiers had better take those Taliban terror-lords out of our gunsights and instead take aim at Shapiros and Town & Country Packing Co. and Motts Barbecue.

Meanwhile, I think Ill celebrate this enlightenment with lunch. Maybe a hamburger. Better yet, a bacon cheeseburger. At Osamas Place.

(Barry L. Paschal is opinions editor of The Columbia County News-Times. E-mail comments to barrypaschal@yahoo.com.)