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Dogs vie for 'World's Worst' title

Posted: March 21, 2015 - 11:10pm

You might not know it, but the rankings for World’s Worst Dog were recently updated, so I thought I should share that with you.

Coming in at third place, actually dropping two spots from his usual lock on first is Landon. (No, I did not name this dog, so don’t ask.)

Landon is a Mountain Feist (look it up) with a deep distrust of strangers and a gimpy hip, which translates into about four pounds of bad disposition. His hobbies are growling, tearing around the house while yipping incessantly, barking at reflections on the ceiling and barking.

He is also blessed with astigmatism or short-term memory loss. It’s hard to say which, but suspect it could be both.

I say this because he is known for his incredible ability to mistake anyone, including his caretaker, for a wicked intruder at the moment that person leaves the room.

He doesn’t exactly play with dog toys, or really even like them, but he does like to hoard toys, so that other dogs — who actually know how to play — can’t have them.

He also has a charming habit of fleeing the premises whenever he sees an open door or gate, which used to result in prolonged games of chase around our neighborhood, which only ended when he got to tired and thirsty to continue running.

In other words, he is a pleasure to be around, and you can probably tell why he normally maintains a higher ranking in the Worst Dog contest.

Coming in at a close second, is Jasper, the Weird.

Jasper is a handsome black and white mongrel who was adopted by us at an indeterminate age. We got him from an animal rescue group, but we suspect he was probably raised by weasels, or squirrels, or house plants, or anything other than humans or dogs.

He always has a crazed look in his eyes — imagine Peter Lorre on roller coaster drinking Red Bull — and an romantic attraction to throw pillows.

In addition, he suffers from SBS, or Sneaky Bowel Syndrome, which means he always has the urge to go at the exact moment you look in the other direction.

For these reasons, and his undying oath of vengeance against our third dog, Louie, Jasper spends a lot of time outside, and maintains a perennial top-two ranking.

So, the big surprise — well perhaps not so much — is that Louie has leapfrogged his canine competitors to the official Worst Dog in the world spot this past week.

It’s surprising because he’s really not all that ambitious, and some would say that he lacks the gumption to desire such a title.

Louie, a jet black Mountain Feist with a sweet disposition and a vacant stare, has never led the pack before.

Sure, he has his tricks, such as wetting himself, floors, furniture and feet, whenever you say something frightening — like his name.

But it is the trick he has been perfecting that has really brought him to the next level this week.

Like most dogs, he loves to watch you eat. What he likes more, however, is to watch you walk away from your food. Cookies, potato chips, pancakes and sandwiches have been know to disappear while he is lurking beneath the table.

Last weekend, I rose early and baked several loaves of my almost famous banana bread to be shared with family and friends.

Louie liberated one cooling loaf from a kitchen counter, chewing his way all the way around the edges so that no part was left untouched by his furry dog lips. A master stroke.

It was enough for the officials in the Worst Dog contest to give him the top spot, but check back in a few weeks. I’m sure the other dogs will not let this stand for long.

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