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Trouble at the North Pole

Posted: December 15, 2013 - 1:04am

Sloshing through the snow, on a one-horse open sleigh. Know that song? I realize the first word should be “riding,” but that’s not what I’m doing. Once again, it’s my annual trek to the North Pole and the weather is horrendous. At least the paper bought me snow shoes this year. Now all I have to figure out is who I’m going to interview.

That problem was solved when I approached Santa’s house. There was a picket line with at least a dozen elves carrying signs that read, “Unfair treatment!” “Hire a new cook!” “No more green vegetables!” and “We are healthy enough!”

I approached the line and asked who was in charge. Now I know there is a difference between elves and dwarves, but I swear Grumpy came forward to let me know he’s the one that organized the strike. That’s when I knew who I was going to talk to.

Dedicated Reporter: Well, Elvis, (I discovered that was his name) exactly why are you picketing Santa’s house?

Elvis: It’s not Santa we’re upset with. It’s Mrs. Claus. She’s been reading all these articles about people who are overweight having greater chances of heart disease.

Of course, she was referring to Santa, but since we all eat at the same table, it affects us, too.

D.R.: In exactly what way? Seems that all of you would benefit from eating healthier.

Elvis: That might be true, but we don’t want to benefit. We work all our calories off in the shop every day, and just like some Olympic trainees or football players, we need more calorie intake.

D.R.: Tell me exactly what’s changed.

Elvis: The main thing is breakfast. She used to fix eggs, fried spam and biscuits two or three times a week. The other mornings it was pancakes or waffles with fried spam. Now it’s bran muffins and fresh fruit. We miss our spam!

D.R.: Oh, I see. Well, as you might well know, spam is not exactly the healthiest of foods.

Elvis: Tell that to the citizens of Hawaii. It seems to be one of their staples. If it’s good enough for an entire state, why isn’t it good enough for us?

D.R.: What about the other meals?

Elvis: They’re even worse! Lunch always consists of salads – and not even with decent dressing. She buys the fat-free. Have you ever tasted that stuff? I wouldn’t feed it to Rudolph, who, by the way, is also complaining.

We expect him in our picket line any time now. Mrs. Claus has discovered a new kind of oats for reindeer. According to Rudy, they have no taste and are so dry he can hardly swallow them.

As for supper, good-bye to country fried steak with mashed potatoes and gravy, no more fried chicken with French fries and, worst of all, no more pot roast with those little red potatoes we all loved.

She has taken this whole thing too far. Talk about overstepping boundaries. Santa is too afraid of her to say anything, so we had to do something.

D.R.: Okay, that’s the end of this interview. Now you’ve got me too afraid to go inside the house. I’ll just be going and hope this entire problem is ironed out by next year.

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