The life of a writer can be solitary. Though I enjoy spending days alone, massaging words from my keyboard, occasionally I crave interaction as much as e-mail spammers crave link clicks.
Wouldn’t it be fantastic if you and I stirred up a little trouble? Wouldn’t it be fun to write this week’s column together? Taking inspiration from the email spammers, let’s collaborate and compose our own email spam to re-spam the spammers. I’ll type the framework and you and a friend provide the key words:
(Greeting) friend. I apologize for (-ing verb) you for the (ordinal number) time through email. As way of introduction, I am (job title) (name of movie character), best known for (heroic feat or noble deed). I assure you that you are in (adjective) (plural body part).
First, let me say (cliché phrase or idiom). I (verb) you knowing you to be a/an (adjective) person. I will give you more (plural noun) and my (noun) when you give me your (noun). (Name of country) employs me and (-s verb) your assistance. It is the (superlative) (noun) and (-s verb) gaskets for (noun).
You and I will make a/an (adjective) (noun). What I need is your (adjective) (noun) to transfer $(number) from my employer to your (noun). For your help, I am offering you (number)% of the total sum plus (number) (adjective) (plural noun). However, you must (verb) me that you will not elope with my (noun). This is a/an (adjective) matter. Confidentiality and (noun) are of (adjective) importance. If you agree to my terms, (verb) confetti and let’s (verb) on it.
Please do not (verb) me by phone. Only contact me by (-ing verb). I would not want you to (verb) the transaction as my employer will not enact it. Once the $(number) is in the account, we can be (plural noun).
To complete the deposit, I will need your full (noun), your current (noun), your (adjective) security number and a copy of your (noun). If you do not feel (adjective) with this arrangement, do not (verb) to (verb). I will understand your position.
Mr. (pet’s name) will send $(number) plus (number) (plural noun). Contact him if you do not (verb) the money. He will (verb) it the matter from here. Thank you for your anticipated (verb) and my regards to your (adjective) (noun).
As we say our (adjective) goodbyes, I am compelled to admit that I am thankful that there are (plural noun) like you in the world. This planet is (-er superlative) for your presence on it.
Now that you and I are finished, the remorse burrowing a pit in my chest reminds me that I should not seek a career as a serial spammer. I feel terrible about this entire ruse.
Distraction and a soulless watermelon snared me. This week, instead of writing my column, I sat in the garden watching my watermelon. It still clings to the green vine, its inner sanctum a mystery, and I don’t know if I’m watching it ripen or watching it rot.
I had to manipulate you into composing my column for me in order to meet my deadline. My apologies. I was deceitful, like my watermelon.
Please accept restitution for my trickery. Send your completed version of this column to me at 925 Augusta Road, Thomson, GA. 30824 postmarked by Sept. 30. Include your e-mail address and the name of the newspaper in which you read my column. The reader from each newspaper who submits the best version of today’s column will receive a free copy of my new children’s book, The Beast of Blue Mountain. Winners will be notified by Oct. 10.