Remember that old TV series Hogan’s Heroes? There was a German sergeant in it named Schultz who kept on saying, “I know nothing!”
I purchased a new computer and have been using that phrase quite a bit. Those of you who have read my column in the past know that my technical skills are less than perfect. In fact, I couldn’t even understand the Computers for Dummies book some wiseguy wrote. Tommy and Monique went with me to buy my new toy because they knew me well enough to know that there was no telling what I’d come home with if I picked one out myself. All I’d go by was the color.
After a half hour of Greek language between them and the sales clerk, we finally decided on one. They supposedly transferred all my data from the old computer, so I figured everything would show up the same. Wrong!
It’s just like learning how to do everything all over again. Poor Monique has been over here half a dozen times to help. I even wrote her instruction in my notebook. She would show me how to do a certain thing, I would follow directions and everything turned out great. Then the minute she leaves, it all goes out the window. I have decided to give it a name so as to personalize our time together. Right now, I’m typing on Zeus. Figured it’s acting like a god so why not humor him.
When you first turn Zeus on, there are all this pictures with icons floating off and on the screen. It’s like shooting ducks at the carnival trying to click on what you want. Even when you hit the right square, it’s totally different than what I’m used to working with.
One of Zeus’ favorite tricks to pull is switching pages without me doing anything. When trying to close it out, I always get this little note asking me if I want to change tabs. I don’t even know what a tab is. If I click on “yes,” will everything black out and go away? If I click on “no,” will it bring up a plethora of additional questions that I don’t know the answers to, or will it send the entire thing into outer space, never to be seen again?
All my friends and family always talk about how much fun they have on their new gadgets. Especially phones. I have a cell phone. I use it to call people and to receive calls. I don’t even know how to text. The kids think it’s hysterical when they text me because they imagine the look on my face while I’m trying to figure out how to turn it off.
Oh, well, I am 71 years old. Seems only fair that I should be able to do what I want to with electronics. I’m afraid that, before this is all over, Zeus will be taking a swim in the Savannah Rapids.